All posts by Maria D.

My Family, Uncategorized

BLACK LIVES MATTER / STOP AAPI HATE

It’s been a rough two years. I am grieving the loss of my beautiful godson. My son graduated college and moved 366 miles away for grad school. My daughter graduated high school and went off to her dream college. The house feels incredibly quiet. AND we are still in the middle of a pandemic that has killed over 563,000 people in the United States.

In the center of all of this, Black people are being murdered. I am outraged, but too frightened to join the protests. Too scared of the pandemic. I read to gain insight. I watch the news. I check in with my family and friends.

How do I go back to writing about “making my way to the next stop” when it feels like the world is stuck in this hate and division? This week another black man was shot and killed during a traffic stop. He could have been my son or daughter. I can’t find the words, so I will repeat what’s already been written:

BLACK LIVES MATTER

In line with these hateful times, violence toward Asians has come to light. The hate has always been there. Slurs or casual racist jokes made about Asians. Unreported violence. But now the news has begun to cover the violence. Asians minding their own damn business are getting stabbed, kicked or beaten…just for being Asian. In my sibling group chat, we tell each other to be careful. I stand with my community as we plead:

STOP ASIAN AMERICAN PACIFIC ISLANDER HATE

I know now that I grew up thinking, writing, and saying some very racist things. It’s hard to admit that. But I have spent the last 35+ years learning about that hate, listening to people, and trying to do better. I want to figure out how I can help.

I never know when I will write my next post. If this is my last one, I want my stance to be clear:

BLACK LIVES MATTER

STOP AAPI HATE

My Family

Miss Mae

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Willie Mae Randolph, my mother-in-law, passed away on October 1, 2018.

I missed her particularly this Mother’s Day. I couldn’t take her out shopping or run errands with her. We didn’t go over the menu of what she would be bringing for dinner. I missed her loud voice. I missed her laughing.

Willie Mae Randolph, my mother-in-law

Miss Mae, as I called her, was the most generous woman I ever met because she always gave us the most precious gift that one could give… her time.

She crocheted beautiful blankets of all sizes — baby blankets, twin, queen, even an over-sized king. She would sit in front of the tv and crochet. One little needle made so many blankets. It made her so happy to present these creations to those she loved. Those blankets continue to keep us warm and are great reminders of how much she loved us.

She was so generous in the time she spent cooking. She loved to feed people, and she could REALLY cook. Mac-and-cheese was her specialty…but so was sweet potato pie, baked beans, corned beef, salmon cakes, German chocolate cake. She knew all our favorites and was happy to make them for us. I miss her cooking.

She was also generous in her gift giving — always thoughtful of the sick, birthdays, graduations, baby showers, holidays, and even funerals.  She wasn’t always able to attend the functions, but she always sent a card with a little something in it. I miss her generosity.

When Dallas Jr., her son, passed away, she was profoundly sad. But thank God for her grandchildren. They really brought her joy. She would light up when they were around. She was so proud of them. She loved to share their news with anyone who would listen. All the kids loved Grandma Mae. She is missed at every milestone.

This picture was taken on Miss Mae’s 78th Birthday.

She was stronger that I ever gave her credit for. With all the death and pain she had endured in her almost 79 years, how did she get up every morning and do all of these things for her family? I wish I had asked her how she did it. I aspire to find her strength.

Miss Mae, you are loved and truly missed.

50 is the New Me

50 is here

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50 is here.

At my 50th birthday party, I thanked all the people who helped me become this best 50-year-old version of myself.

“Best version of yourself” is a line I’ve been hearing a lot lately, particularly at the Sense8 finale (one of my favorite shows).

First, I praised God for keeping me 50 years and strengthening me  each day.  Next, I thanked my husband, children, mom, sisters, and all my nieces and nephews for their love.  Then, I acknowledged family up in heaven who taught me about love and devotion.  Lastly, I thanked my friends for their support.

All these people helped me become the best version of me — a better mother, wife, sister, daughter, aunt, cousin, niece, and friend.

What I didn’t think to do was give a shout out to myself.

Yes me.

There’s the fun me on social media, who posts fun stuff about Bojangles, home renovations, and family events.

But there’s also the worst version of me who has bouts with depression, anxiety, and panic.  This version of me is always present, in the midst of all the other happy stuff going on around me.

This version is aware of all the house projects and fitness goals that are never finished.  This version of me dwells on my husband’s ailing parents, the discussions about recreational drug use that I’m having with my children, and the loved ones dealing with their own crises that I don’t know how to help.  My mind races each night and yet I am able to get up each morning.  This “getting up” is what I celebrate.

All the good and bad experiences have helped create this best version of myself.  I may not complete every (or any) project, but I get up and move forward.

As much as my family and friends have helped shape and support this version of me, I also have to give myself credit.  There are things that only I can do to make myself better.  For that, I give myself a shout out.

That’s why I celebrate turning 50.

Have you given yourself a shoutout lately?

My Family, My House, My Workouts, Off We Go!, The Kids

Countdown to 50 – 9 Weeks to Go

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I have nine weeks until I turn 50.

Remember when I had 163 days left?  What have I been doing the last 100 days?

Here’s what I didn’t do:  I didn’t complete the 40 Bags in 40 Days Challenge, and I didn’t lose any weight despite making some changes in my diet.

Here’s what I did do:

I watched my daughter and her basketball team, the Lady Bruins, win back-to-back state championships. These young women accomplished this goal while trying to manage everything else that high school threw at them.  For my daughter, there were many late nights, missed classes, lower grades, and lots of social sacrificing. As a mom, the biggest lesson during the season was learning to listen to what she was saying, rather than telling her what to do.

This sign was presented to the Lady Bruins by the Town of Hempstead.

I also traveled to Japan and I was surprised to see how my son seemed to have matured exponentially in three months.   Everything that made me cry by Day 3, he had tackled — living in a foreign country, commuting on a complicated train system, trying unknown foods, and essentially embracing a different culture.  Who was this man? I am not yet ready to concede that he is “grown,” but he’s close.

Entrance to Kiyomizu-dera in Kyoto, Japan.

So, despite trying to focus on myself, I find that my life is really centered around the kids, who are no longer really kids.

The kids taking a selfie at the Fushimi Inari-taisha Shrine in Kyoto, Japan.

Perhaps I haven’t figured out how to re-focus to my own needs because I am not really sure what those are.

For the next nine weeks, I am going to focus on my health.  This new blood pressure medication that I am taking seems to be working.  I have walked consecutively for 4 days on the treadmill.  I am eating salad everyday and trying to drink more water.

Hopefully Spring comes soon and I can walk outside instead of on this treadmill.

I have nine weeks until I turn 50.  What things do you do to stay healthy or get in better shape?

 

 

Minimalist Projects, My House

40 Bags – Day 6-20

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As I dive deeper into this 40 bags in 40 days project, I make these public confessions on Instagram:

I am a hoarder of leftovers, hotel cups, fast food utensils and napkins, spices, hangers, laundry detergent containers, hotel toiletries, baby teeth, Santa letters, greeting cards, and credit card statements.

On Day 6, I confronted my hoarding of leftovers. I can’t say no when people pack me food to bring home, and I always take home food from a restaurant, no matter how little. By the end of the week, the refrigerator is full, but no one wants to gamble on food poisoning. So it just piles up.

Day 6: I have to make more of an effort not to waste or hoard food.

While cleaning out my closet on Day 9, I found a box of sympathy cards from my dad’s death in 2005. I read through how shocked and sad everyone was. I kept one letter from an old fraternity brother and tossed the rest. That was a major step for me.

Each day the project takes longer and longer. I schedule an hour for a specific area, and an hour becomes three… and then I am left scrambling the rest of the day.

Work halted around Day 17. I was scheduled to do the garage. There are bins filled with old statements to be filed, manuals of appliances and gadgets, photos that were supposed to be put in albums, and the kids’ achievement certificates and awards.

I worked on and off for three days, and it really was draining.

Day 17: Sorted papers from bins in the garage for 2 days.

Old bank and credit card statements reminded me how much money I have wasted on stuff.  But I moved past the shame and felt relieved to finally get rid of it all. The shredder overheated twice. I found $45 in random envelopes and cards. And then, I finished the piles.

Day 20: Felt so relieved to get all the papers shredded and stuff put away.

There are still boxes of papers from grad school, PTA stuff, and beautiful cards celebrating me.  Am I keeping this junk just to validate the years that I stayed home as a housewife?

My kids will not interpret these bins and boxes as my personal achievements or treasures from my past. They never knew that girl, student, aspiring professional… They will look at all these boxes and say, “why did mom save all this sh….stuff?”

One reader referred to her battle with paperwork as “shredding remnants of a past life.” That’s it. The stuff in the garage and basement are things that used to define me:  a grad student, a PTA volunteer, a young mom.

The artifacts I am finding no longer depict my present self.  I know that I will never wear any of my outdated business suits, read all the books that are in storage, play with the dozens of play doh moulds, or make homemade ice cream.  It’s time to let it all go.

As I fill each bag, I am excited to make room for whatever is coming.

Thanks for sticking with me on this project.  Did you jump in on this challenge?  Share with us your progress.

Minimalist Projects

40 Bags in 40 Days Challenge

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I heard about Ann Marie Heasley’s “40 Bags in 40 Days Challenge,” in a tweet from Joshua Becker, one of the minimalists I follow. The challenge looks interesting enough:

40 bags in 40 days is a forty day period (coinciding with the 40 days of Lent) where you declutter one area a day.

So I printed out the worksheet and spent an hour or so writing down the areas of the house that need decluttering.

Day 1 was easy.  I picked the foyer, an area where I bring all my good intentions — old towels for donation to the animal shelter, used print cartridges for store credit, and grocery bags for recycling, just to name a few. Unfortunately, these things never make it to their intended destinations because I have to find out where to take these donations and when these places are open. So they all get stuffed in the closet. But this time, I was determined. I made a pile of coats to donate and sorted through all the bags at the bottom of the closet. I plan on (really) bringing them to their new homes this week.

Day 1 of 40 Bags in 40 Days Challenge: Found over 70 old printer ink cartridges that were supposed to be recycled.

Day 2 was my desk. What was slated for an hour, turned into an afternoon project. It seems I have an obsession with post-it notes and expired, unclipped coupons. It was easy to throw out the coupon books and recycle newspaper coupons, but the coupons from that store that takes expired coupons…well, that’s where I got stuck. I shredded papers, put stuff away that didn’t belong on the desk, and paid some bills hidden in my inbox. I would like to revisit my desk later on in the challenge to see if there are more things I can toss.

Day 2: Tried to make a dent in my desk. Put away everything that didn’t belong on the desk and threw out all the unclipped, expired coupons.

Day 3, I needed something that wouldn’t require so much heavy lifting or movement. I chose to tackle my email boxes. I was going to save this for later on in the challenge, for those days when I couldn’t work at home. But, I needed something easy. Turns out I hoard email, too. I can’t seem to part with the “40% off already reduced prices AND free shipping coupons.” I deleted 1155 email from my one account and 333 email from another.  I am proud to say that I unsubscribed to almost every retailer. Since then, I have been keeping up with unsubscribing and deleting unwanted email.

Day 3: Deleted emails from two accounts.

Day 4 I worked on my bedroom. No pictures for this one. Sometimes I have to draw the line on what I can share. #tooshameful I had a hard time parting with unmatched socks. My sister commented, “it makes me feel better when I use the unmatched socks to dust around the house before tossing them #getridofthem .”  I also have an obsession with hotel toiletries.   Sometimes I even ask housekeeping for extra.  My cousin recommended, “donating those toiletries to a shelter… #keepgoing #inspired”  So I will try to follow up on these suggestions.

Day 5 looks like this:

Day 5: Den (before pic) hoping to tie up boxes and newspaper for recycling and bag up coats for donations.

I will post an after pic on Instagram.

A big thanks to everyone who keeps me encouraged. I really don’t know how things get this bad.  #lifejusthappens

How do you keep clutter at bay?  Share with us your story…

BFFs, My Family

Emergency Contacts

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Last week, my son went across the world to study and my husband had major surgery. These events happened within days of each other.

I wanted to just stay in bed. There was this general feeling of sadness…like something was off. I couldn’t get a handle on everything going on around me.

So I did something remarkably out of character.

When people called to check on me, I didn’t say I was fine. I actually said, “I’m sad.” These people didn’t dismiss the feeling, but they just listened. It felt good to be heard.

When people called and asked if I needed anything, I said, “Yes, would you mind driving Elena to the hospital?” and “Yes, could you please find me a counter-height chair?” Each request was granted without hesitation.

It has always been hard for me to ask for help because I didn’t want to be a burden.  But, the last couple of days, I called on a small team of people who have assembled around my life waiting to help out, and I found that they were happy to help me.

I have always been everyone’s Emergency Contact.  If someone’s kid needs to be picked up from school or something needs to be done on a work day, I am THE person to call.

This week, I found out that I had Emergency Contacts, too.  They can pretty much do anything…except read minds.

Do you struggle with reaching out to people for help?  Why is it so hard to ask?

Uncategorized

Let’s Go and Lets Go

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I have 163 days left in my 40s.

My mantra for 2018 is “Let’s Go” with the apostrophe. In 2017, I lived a life of excuses:  I was too busy, too broke, too sick…the list was long.

With “Let’s Go!” as this year’s mission statement, my priorities become clearer:

  • Spend time with the people I love? Let’s Go!
  • Throw out all things in the house that I’m hoarding?  Let’s Go!
  • Get in better shape?  Let’s Go!

The mantra can be modified by dropping the apostrophe, “…lets go.”

  • Coz lets go of worrying about things out of her control.
  • Coz lets her children go without giving them the doom and gloom speech of all the bad things that can happen.
  • Coz lets go of toxic people and drama.

I was going to apologize for speaking in third person, but I’m letting it go.

I want to live in my 50s without making excuses or apologizing for choosing me.  In my 30s and 40s, I thought it was honorable to put everyone ahead of myself.  Everyone was fine, but I became more unhealthy and unhappy.

I gained 20 pounds.  I started medication for high blood pressure.  This isn’t how I want to live the next half of my life.

I am determined to spend these last 163 days working on the best me for 50.  LET’S GO!

I am so happy you all are still with me in 2018. What are your goals for 2018?  And what is your plan to get them done?

Blogging Highs and Lows

Security Alerts and Scammers

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Last year I wrote three articles on this site. In 2015, I also barely wrote three articles.

So even though I LOVE what I’ve created on this site, I know it has been stagnant.

So imagine my dismay when I began receiving messages from a website security company. There was a scan on my account and a security alert went off.  There have been over 11+ messages, same guy, just different variations of the message.

Bottom line:  I need to call him immediately to make sure we get things resolved so that there is no disruption in service.

The messages sound serious and scary.

But, rather than call back, my first instinct is to google:

xxxx website security company scam

Terrible stories…scam…fraud…malware extortion…people spending hundreds of dollars…sites closed down!!!

But you can’t always trust the internet. So I texted my brother, who knows all computer things. “SCAM” was his reply.

But how do I stop the calls?  Do I just call them back?  I don’t really know anything about website security.  They can tell me anything, and I won’t know if it’s true or false.  All I know is that I cannot spend any more money on a website where I’m only eking out THREE posts a year.

I don’t sell anything here.  There are no pop-up ads or links to buy anything.  I am just a writer, “trying to make my way to the next stop.” (p.s. I’m still working on that “by line”)

It’s so hard to tell what’s a scam and what’s real.

Is website security as serious as when the IRS left me three phone messages informing me that they were filing a lawsuit against me?

Last week, I got two emergency messages saying, “this is from Windows Microsoft your windows license key has been expired all services has been suspended on your computer.”  Seriously, there were no pauses, just one run-on sentence.

If somehow my lack of action to this security alert really does ruin this website, then I’m going to take it as the final sign from God that this wasn’t for me.

But let’s see where this goes.  I’ll continue to research this thing.

Any thoughts on how to proceed?

BFFs

Friends and Politics

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This year’s presidential election leaves me feeling disappointed, frustrated, and afraid.

These feelings are not for the United States. I have faith that our country has enough freedom fighters and systems in place that it will be okay.

For me, these feelings surface as I try to understand how some friends could vote for a man who spewed such hate. It is easy enough to scroll past facebook “friends” and their political posts. But what I am having such a hard time resolving is how real friends, people who I love, could get past or ignore such hatred.

At the age of 48, just through natural attrition, I am surrounded mostly by people who love me and have my back. I have always been aware of political differences among my friends. Everyone has a right to vote for who they want. But there was an element of real hate in this campaign. And as it got more hateful, I began asking myself, how did I become friends with people who can so easily dismiss racism?

I am a Filipino immigrant, whose husband is a descendant of slaves, and whose children are bi-racial. In my hesitancy to speak up about anything controversial in daily conversations, did I give the impression that I had no opinion about race? Or that I (or my family) had never experienced any racism?

It’s always been too frustrating to have to explain why something is racist or offensive. When I hear comments like “people are too sensitive” or “all lives matter,” I can never find the right words. I always wish there was someone who was more intelligent or well-versed to explain that racism still exists. Racism is not just something manufactured by overly sensitive people who can’t get over the past.

It scares me that some people in my small community say they love diversity in one breath but also look forward to being able to “not be so politically correct all the time.” What can that possibly mean? Are people looking forward to freely saying offensive things again? Because it felt awful to be called a “chink” back in the day. I pray that’s not the direction we are headed again.

As a stay-at-home mom, I can easily limit my contact with the outside world. I could deactivate my social media accounts. I could surround myself with people who only think the way I do. But that cannot be the answer.

I have to have faith that these friends who love me, really do love me. I believe they are good people. Any difference of opinion really is just that…a difference of opinion. But maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I haven’t been vocal enough expressing myself when I’ve disagreed with the discussions on race. Maybe my silence gave the impression that I agreed…or worse, had no opinion.

So moving forward, I have to find my voice. I have to make it absolutely clear when something is offensive, hateful, or hurtful. I must speak out against hate. Now is not the time to be silent.